The Ballad of George

A bedtime story (not for kids!)

The old king sighed as he looked in the mirror,

His hair had gone grey, and substantially thinner,

His frail bones creaked, his wrinkled skin sagged,

He yawned and admitted, “I am utterly shagged.”

He was plagued by a question, weighing on him a ton,

“Who will succeed me, since I have no son?”



His daughter was fair, that much was true,

But she was bold, and stubborn, and mean as a shrew,

She’d had suitors before, young lords and merchants,

But she’d screamed at them all, till they shat in their pants,

“I must find her a husband before my last breath,

Or a war for the throne shall ignite at my death,”



The princess squawked, “No husband — I’ve told you before!”

The king covered his ears as she stormed out the door,

To his Counsel, he pleaded, “Are there no suitors left?

Someone who’s wise, and brave — and preferably deaf!”

An advisor then stood, “If I may suggest,

To find her a husband, send the men on a quest,”



An enormous crowd gathered the very next day,

Holding their breaths, for what the king might say,

High on the balcony, the old king arose,

While his daughter stood sulking and picking her nose,

“Whoever slays the dragon, wins my daughter’s hand,

And by her side, shall rule this dear land,”



The crowd erupted at the old king’s words,

Men drummed their shields and raised up their swords,

But a short lad named George forced his way to the front,

Braving elbows and shouts of, “Fuck off, little cunt!”

He laid eyes on the princess, and his heart was mastered,

“Whoever lands her is one lucky bastard,”



The princess saw George, and she gave him a wink,

George’s heart leaped as his face turned bright pink,

Then she wiggled her bum, to the crowd’s delight,

And George’s pants became awfully tight,

“I’ll slay this damn dragon — how hard can it be?

That saucy princess is the one for me!”



George set out at once, with a spring in his step,

For the cave in the forest, where the fierce dragon slept,

But just as he reached the edge of the wood,

From out of nowhere sprang a really big dude,

“What’s in your bag?” the big brute said,

“Hand it over, or I’ll cut off your head!”



George pulled out his sword, the one made of wood,

He quivered and thought, “I’m totally screwed!”

The big man laughed as he drew his blade,

“This is the biggest mistake you’ve ever made!

Last chance. Give it here, or I’ll spill your guts,”

George stepped forward, and kicked him in the nuts,

The brute cried like a baby and fell in the mud,

George stole his sword and said, “Thanks a lot, bud!”



On George marched through the forest so deep,

As the sun went down, and the shadows did creep,

A nearby growl caused him to stumble,

“Was that a monster, or did my belly just rumble?”

He heard it again, and looked over his shoulder,

And there stood a wolf, as big as a boulder,



The wolf leaned in and, sniffing his head, said,

“I’m starving, little one, so I’m afraid you’re dead,”

George grabbed his new sword, but the wolf became angry,

“Relax,” said George, “No need to get hangry,

But you shouldn’t eat me — I’m barely a snack!

Back there’s a feast, and it’s easy to track,”

The wolf raised an eyebrow, “Is this a trick?”

“It’s a man,” said George, “And he’s holding his dick,

“He’s big and juicy, with fat to render,

“And I hear his plums are especially tender!”

“Very well,” said the wolf, “I’ll see what I find,”

“But if you’re lying, I’ll kill you — keep that in mind!”



“Phew!” said George and continued his quest,

Soon he would reach his final test,

But the forest grew dark, not a glimmer around,

And he stepped in a trap hidden on the ground,

The net scooped him up, and he hung from a tree,

“Who’s the next arsehole who wants to kill me?”



With a song and a whistle, the elves appeared,

Insufferable folk — pompous and big-eared,

The lead elf approached. “This is our forest.”

“My name’s George, and I’m here on a quest!”

“Ah!” said the elf, “Another foolish man,”

“Release me!” yelled George, “Then run while you can!”

“Calm down, little one. We won’t make you stay,

“One correct answer, and you’ll be on your way,”

George huffed, “Go on then, out with your riddle,

And make it quick, because I need to piddle,”

“Some filthy habits, you humans do boast,

But which does the princess love the most?”

George thought hard, his eyes he did close,

Then at last he shouted “Picking her nose!”

The elf was disgusted. “Yuck! Set him free,”

George fell with a grin, and shouted “Yippee!”

“Be gone, little man, don’t come here again,

But I wish you good luck in the dragon’s den,”



George entered the cave, at the first light of morning,

Where burnt crispy bodies lay dead as a warning,

He froze for a moment, his nerves they did wave,

But he thought of the princess, and then he felt brave,

Up ahead came a roar, then a furious shout,

“I’ll stick my sword right up your trout!”

George picked up the pace, thinking, “Oh shit,

Some bastard’s about to beat me to it!”



In the cavern he saw a brave shining knight,

With sword and shield, putting up quite a fight,

But the beast had him cornered, a glint in its eye,

George’s mind raced, “I can’t let him die!”

He drew his sword, swift as a blizzard,

“This one’s for the princess, you overgrown lizard!”

He swung his blade with an almighty wail,

And the dragon howled — he’d lopped off its tail!

It stomped, and it thrashed, and it shook the ground,

“Let’s go,” cried the knight, “before this place comes down!”

Together they bolted, fleeing the trouble,

And made their escape, as the cave turned to rubble,



The knight caught his breath, “You saved my life!”

Then removed his helmet, “Surprise — I’m your future wife!”

The princess smiled as George’s jaw hit the floor,

“Why fight the dragon? That’s what men are for!”

“I’ll decide who I marry, not my daft old dad,

But as far as looks go, well you’re not half bad!

Now get over here, and give me a kiss!”

Beaming, George thought, “This was well worth the risk!”



The following week, a wedding was had,

Bells rang for the princess, and her brave little lad,

The king was delighted, “I now have a son!

The kingdom is saved, and my daughter’s heart won!”

“Alright,” said the princess, “That’s enough talking,

George, time for bed — and Dad, don’t come knocking!”

That’s the tale of how a lad, bold and plucky,

Saved the kingdom, and then got lucky!